Celebrity Answering Machines

The Top 13 Celebrity Answering Machine Greetings

13. Bill Gates -- "You pathetic sheep, I have given you MUCH better
      technology to use than this! Oh, just leave a friggin' message."

12. Bobby Knight -- "Oh nice going, Einstein. Wait till I'm out and
      THEN you call! Leave your number, if you can remember the darn
      thing, and I'll cuss you out and slap you around later."

11. Farrah Fawcett -- "Hello? Hello? Is that you, Letterman? Oh, I...
      aaaahhhh... spiders! Spiders! Get them off me!! Get them [BEEP]"

10. William Shatner -- "If you wish to give me money, please indicate
      how much and I'll phone in my performance as soon as I can."

9. Dwight Gooden -- "I'm high and outside again, but I'll call you
      back when the bases are as loaded as I am."

8. Howard Stern -- "If you are a porn star, push 1. If you are a
    substance abuser and suffer from gross physical deformities, push 2.
    If you are a exhibitionist lesbian, push 3. If none of these categories
    applies to you, hang up and call Don Imus."

7. Kevin Costner -- "According to People magazine, I'm not in right
    now..."

6. Dennis Miller -- "Not to get all Dick Nixon on you, Cha Cha, but
    speak into the tape recorder and I promise not to sample it into my
    Milli Vanilli act at the Copa, 'kay, babe?"

5. Jim Morrison -- "Hi, I can't come to the phone because I've been
    dead for thirty years. If you're too stoned to care, leave a message at
    the tone...."

4. Dr. Erwin Schrodinger -- "Guten tag. My cat and I may or may not
    be in at the moment. Leave a message when you hear the isotope
    particle decay."

3. Anna Nicole Smith -- "Leave your name, age and net worth at the
    tone, and I'll get back to you in descending order."

2. Prince Charles -- "I'm all ears."

And the Number 1 Celebrity Answering Machine Greeting...

1. Jack Nicholson -- "You probably don't recognize my voice because
    I'm doing my impression of Joe L. Hendrickson, an office temp
    from Dover, Delaware. How do you like *that*, Joe? Not so darn
    *funny* when someone's pretending to be *YOU* on their
    answering machine, is it? IS IT?!?"

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