Best Humor from the Net - Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we
would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, Former New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
-- Gerry Brown

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
-- George Bush, Former US President

"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them."
-- George Bush, Former US President

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
-- Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca

"Please provide the date of your death."
-- from an IRS letter

"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
-- Richard Nixon, Former US President

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different
from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
-- Parish Magazine

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
-- Bill Peterson, football coach

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
-- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
-- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents."
-- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell."
-- Spencer Ante

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
-- Anon

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
-- Samuel Goldwyn

"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
-- Rear Admiral James R. Hogg

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.
You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they to to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes."
-- Anon

Best Humor from the Net from Dobhran's Humorama!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

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Best Humor from the Net from Dobhran's Humorama!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Send this joke to your friends, too! It's much better than sending them some garbled, messy email that has been forwarded over and over!

Having problems sending this greeting? Click Here for help! Thanks!

Send this joke to your friends, too!
It's much better than sending them some garbled, messy email
that has been forwarded over and over!